In reflecting on relationships, I have observed or heard comments on how people sometimes talk on and on about themselves, never asking about the other or their situation. I also have experienced those who keep the conversation on others, with little talk about their own life. In both cases, the salt in the relationship is flat.

I was mediating for an organization between a manager and an employee. They had been peers early in their careers. Issues began to surface after one was promoted over the other as a manager. The employee wanted to continue their social relationship. The manager was not keen on being a “friend” with an employee and wanted to give the appearance of being objective with all employees. The manager had spent voluminous time with this employee, addressing complaints made to him, Human Resources, the President and the Board. The manager believed that he had gone above and beyond and was baffled about what more he could do to resolve the issues. The employee found it difficult to explain why these conflicts existed. The employee praised the manager for giving abundant time to listening and addressing the complaints. However, the employee knew that every time he walked out of the manager’s office, he felt discouraged and miserable. Delving deeper into their communications, the employee identified a pattern. The manager would ask, “How can I help you?”; “How can I support you?”; and “What can I do to make things better for you?” The employee concluded that these type questions made him feel as though he was the cause of the issues. He believed the manager took no ownership for the conflict and that the manager’s words indicated he could fix the employee. The employee felt demeaned, disempowered and alone in the work relationship. The employee concluded there was no give and take. He wanted the manager to demonstrate some vulnerability and take some responsibility. The manager was unaware how his questions and remarks impacted the employee. He believed that he was being attentive and caring for the employee by trying to take actions that would remedy the issues.

The salt goes flat when conversations are all about you or they are all about the other person.