During a couples coaching session, the man and the woman were heatedly discussing what had transpired since the last session. Accusations were flying back and forth, relating numerous confrontations that had arisen. I was amazed in hearing their emotionally charged presentations because I was hearing total agreement on all issues. When I summarized their agreements, both seemed dumbfounded. How is it that both missed the content of the other’s message? So I asked them, “For what reasons do you think that your both did not realize that you were saying the same things.” They paused for several seconds to reflect. She said that she believes that he is trying to control her. He said he thought her emotions took control of her clear thinking and that he didn’t want the “feelings” conversation and just stopped communicating. So I asked the woman, “What if, he wasn’t trying to control you? How would you have responded?” And for the man, I asked, “How would you have responded, if you didn’t believe her emotions were taking over her thoughts.” What happened next is what my family calls getting “A Rose”. “A Rose” is an unexpected gift or blessings, maybe what mediators may call an “aha” moment. As the conversation evolved, the woman acknowledged that it was an “assumption” on her part that he was trying to control her. The man acknowledged his contribution by disengaging which only escalated the situation. He realized that he could have simply responded to the facts. Both gave responses as if they had not made those previous conclusions which were productive and moved them forward into resolving their issue. “What if you focus… on the content of the message or not assume or … ?”
